The past few months, even prior to microdosing, I have been thinking alot about my goals, and the real paths that I will need to take to achieve them.
I Decided to make a bucket list of sorts, but of things I would like to accomplish in the next 5 years.

The first thing on my list is to achieve some type of further education that will set me on a path to a long term career.
                 

Now this is something I have wanted for myself for many years now. I love to learn, and it had always been my plan to get further education, but my CPTSD and BPD symptoms have always gotten in the way or made it impossible which only further pained me. When I am dissociating for weeks at a time unable to retain information, hold conversations or read a simple sentence, or mutilating my body from head to toe every month, it’s just about impossible to keep up with schooling. 

It often made it impossible to even hold a job. At certain points I was having 2-3 breakdowns / episodes  per week. & even if I felt mentally capable of doing a shift afterwards, I was often left with self inflicted injuries that I could not hide. Sometimes I would cut my face, or my neck and would have to quit a job, as it would take weeks to heal. When I have these episodes I am not in my right mind. Something inside me from a long time ago takes over and I revert back to my childhood and often black out. 80% of the time I do not remember making the conscious decision to harm myself when in this state & It is something I do while in a flashback. It is something I have done for nearly 15 years now and is a part of my trauma which I plan to dive into later on in this blog.

Now however I truly have hope for the future that I will be able to complete my certificate and get started in a career that I am passionate about.  Although I will still be posting multiple weekly updates on this blog, my only other focus for the next couple of months will be my schooling and I am very excited and looking forward to it.

While my troubles focusing and mental clarity haven’t necessarily seen improvement since microdosing, I have noticed such a decrease in most of my negative symptoms that I am confident in beginning this journey that I have so longed for.
I don’t want to jinx it, so i wont be sharing my career path until my certificate is complete ❤

I hope whoever is reading this, that you are on a path to accomplish your goals, or that you are able to find that path soon ❤ 

the pervious weeks data will appear like this for comparison.

During week Two i continued, as expected to experience difficult life situations. I had a moment of realization to the fact that even if i do everything i need to do to better myself mentally, there will always be outside forces to come and make an attempt on the happy place i’ve found. Basically sometimes “shit happens and there’s nothing i can do about it”
I have been able to take these occurrences in stride and have not noticed a significant increase in depression nor alcohol consumption despite all the usual triggers for it.
in fact 3 out the 5 days this week that i did drink was Light use. compared to last week where i had a black out along with 4 days of moderate use, so there was still good actually improvement in the drinking category despite it staying at a 5/10.

The beginning of Week 2 has been challenging for me.
I underwent some trials in my personal relationships and an overall dishevelment of my household. I found myself lied to and deceived, spiraling again towards yet another of many breakdowns.
All the elements were there, the triggers, the ‘justifiable’ reasons to absolutely lose my sh*t. . . The hopeless depression came creeping in.
They were far from great days, but what was great was that  I could manage it.

I felt like I was still grounded to reality despite what I was going through emotionally. I was able to make rational decisions in a time of betrayal and anguish.
I did not black out in a rage and start throwing or destroying things.
I did not start uncontrollably wailing for hours in the fetal position begging for air.
I did not resort to self harm.
I did not try to hurt anyone else.
I DID yell a little & I did let loose a few tears. I DID take space from the situation and decided to visit a friend for a couple of days.
I DID express how hurt i was without violence towards myself or others
I DID feel in control of my actions and I did not black out or send myself into a flashback.

This is Data for the ten days Prior to my first microdose.

I have a chart linked at the bottom of the page that i use to record and organize all my daily data. I then use that data to then post 10-day summarys for comparison.

I chose 10 day incriments so that i can look at it in terms of percentages.
for example if i had trouble focusing 7 out of 10 days i had trouble focusing 70% of the time.

For the purpose of this experiment i will tell you about the last few months of my life as well as my diagnosis and some symptoms.

  Although i have struggled with severe mental illness my entire life, this post will only discuss the past few months so as to not overwhelm or go to deep too quickly. I hope to, in a few months, live a very different life than what I am about to describe. But this is my current reality.

I struggle heavily and daily with CPTSD [complex post traumatic stress disorder] and BPD [borderline personality disorder]

My current major symptoms include alcoholism, major depression, severe & frequent self harm, violence , self sabotaging behavior, destructiveness, toxic actions in relationships, cloudy focus and judgement and an overall unstable and difficult life style.
I often have dangerous and violent  ptsd episodes where I am an extreme danger to myself and sometimes to others around me.
 I can never hold a job for more than a few months due to these very frequent episodes.

My daily life consists of not leaving my bed or my house. Typically once a week I’m able to get myself into nature but I usually have no energy. I’m irritable, cry alot, argue with my partner often, am hyper sensitive,  and drink daily and heavily to reduce my guilt. 
I disassociate often & lose track of time. I have very poor memory & focus ability.

A recent episode has left me injured to the point of needing surgery and being unable to work for 4 months.  I am not able to do alot of household activities, chores or any of my hobbies. Simple tasks such as showering or getting dressed, (usually hindered by my depression already) are now nearly impossible due to my injury; 

I am not suicidal, & have alot of plans for my future, but i often fear accidentally killing myself during one of these episodes as I have very bad problems with frequent self harm and am usually blacked out during these episodes. I usually do not fully remember self harming. I sometimes have nightmares that I swallowed a razor blade.

 I also do unsafe and dangerous things like jumping out of moving vehicles, taking off by myself in unsafe areas, and sometimes even getting in cars with strangers. These are trauma responses related to my upbringing which i will share in future posts and these actions are triggered by my cptsd. 
I am often afterwards left embarrassed, ashamed and with an overwhelming sense of guilt that stays with me. My behaviour and outbursts only further enforce my feelings of being hated and unlovable wich in turn becomes a vicious cycle.