On my first day of microdosing I took .3g

Although I experienced positive effects throughout the day, and had a good day overall mentally, I did notice some slight visual effects so I decided I would cut my dose in half the next day to .15g. 

I became uncomfortable with the clutter around my house and did some organizing and cleaning up. At one point mid-clean I felt slightly overwhelmed and upset at the state of my house and my life. I made the conscious decision to dedicate the next couple of weeks to showing more love towards my home. 

In my outbursts and episodes I often destroy things. Just for examples sake in the past 3 months I during these blackout episodes, chopped up my dresser and nightstand with an axe, put holes in the walls, & broken 2 very nice mirrors among other things. looking around my room i felt guilty and abusive.

 But I also felt good at the same time & like for the first time in my life I wanted to feel more connected to a home. Wich was surprising to me, as I very much identify as a nomad. For example I went to 12 schools growing up as a child all in different cities and have lived in 5 different states in the past 8 years as an adult, all on opposite sides of the U.S.  I’ve spent months living out of vehicles, road tripping around,and I’ve gone on 30 day long camping trips because I’m a hermit and love the woods. 

So with living that life, I’ve never really had an apartment longer than a year and don’t attach myself too much to decorate, hang things up, or really ever even unpack from my previous move most of the time 😅 usually just renting rooms and not wanting to sign a long term lease because like what If I feel like moving to Alaska next week ya know?

But as I looked around at the walls and furniture I had abused over the past 3 months of having this place I felt a huge sense of guilt and the need to show this place some love. 

My boyfriend and I worked so hard to get this 2 bedroom of our own, he working much harder than I .
And although I try not to let the guilt wash over me, as that leads me down a dark road hard to turn back from…. I try to take responsibility that while I’m not the reason that IM traumatized, and it’s not my fault I’m like this. . .my trauma is in turn traumatizing others, and that IS my fault.

All of this deep thought came about 1 hour after taking my microdose.
I decided in that moment that while i was on my journey to care for myself i would also put some love into our home by decorating, unpacking and making it cozy.

I managed to get a lot of cleaning done, and didn’t feel any depression all day despite my revelations early on in the day. I did felt a discontent with the state of my life but without the usual accompanying feelings of depression.

While I didn’t necessarily feel ‘energetic’ per say, and I was moving on the slower side I did feel I had the energy to do the things I needed to do that day. Which was just a few errands and some cleaning as well as some self care like showering and shaving. Activities that most days are completely unmanageable for me. 

My focus was kind of scattered which could also be due to me taking a little bit too high of a dose. While I wasn’t able to read anything or study, I did enjoy listening to some YouTube speeches and would like to find some podcasts for the future.