For the purpose of this experiment i will tell you about the last few months of my life as well as my diagnosis and some symptoms.

  Although i have struggled with severe mental illness my entire life, this post will only discuss the past few months so as to not overwhelm or go to deep too quickly. I hope to, in a few months, live a very different life than what I am about to describe. But this is my current reality.

I struggle heavily and daily with CPTSD [complex post traumatic stress disorder] and BPD [borderline personality disorder]

My current major symptoms include alcoholism, major depression, severe & frequent self harm, violence , self sabotaging behavior, destructiveness, toxic actions in relationships, cloudy focus and judgement and an overall unstable and difficult life style.
I often have dangerous and violent  ptsd episodes where I am an extreme danger to myself and sometimes to others around me.
 I can never hold a job for more than a few months due to these very frequent episodes.

My daily life consists of not leaving my bed or my house. Typically once a week I’m able to get myself into nature but I usually have no energy. I’m irritable, cry alot, argue with my partner often, am hyper sensitive,  and drink daily and heavily to reduce my guilt. 
I disassociate often & lose track of time. I have very poor memory & focus ability.

A recent episode has left me injured to the point of needing surgery and being unable to work for 4 months.  I am not able to do alot of household activities, chores or any of my hobbies. Simple tasks such as showering or getting dressed, (usually hindered by my depression already) are now nearly impossible due to my injury; 

I am not suicidal, & have alot of plans for my future, but i often fear accidentally killing myself during one of these episodes as I have very bad problems with frequent self harm and am usually blacked out during these episodes. I usually do not fully remember self harming. I sometimes have nightmares that I swallowed a razor blade.

 I also do unsafe and dangerous things like jumping out of moving vehicles, taking off by myself in unsafe areas, and sometimes even getting in cars with strangers. These are trauma responses related to my upbringing which i will share in future posts and these actions are triggered by my cptsd. 
I am often afterwards left embarrassed, ashamed and with an overwhelming sense of guilt that stays with me. My behaviour and outbursts only further enforce my feelings of being hated and unlovable wich in turn becomes a vicious cycle.